I’m going on diet

The words echoed by millions of women, and men – let’s not discriminate, up and down the land on what is probably a daily basis.  I want to be clear though, when I say a diet, I don’t mean the latest fad, whatever that might be and I’m certainly not including those with serious eating conditions and mental health conditions but healthier eating.  It would seem I had slipped in to that oh-so-easy pattern of “I’ll just have a treat” which actually becomes an almost daily ‘treat’.  I knew I had put on a bit of weight but when I bravely stepped on the scales on Monday morning, I had somewhat of a shock!  I’m not going to reveal what the scales said, the usual jokes of “ooh one at time please?” and “I’m only for people, not elephants” certainly apply!  I don’t weigh myself regularly or a set times and this goes back to my teenage years.  Probably hard to believe looking at me but I had a lot of problem with food, I hated it and didn’t want to eat it. We had a dog (Holly) and due to me being a slow eater, I was often last person at the table.  She stayed with me and for good reason, she helped me to finish off my dinner on more than one night a week.  The flip side was that I would also binge on food and then subsequently feel guilty and never want to eat again, ever.  I also had an issue with the scales.  Like many families across the UK, we had a set of bathroom scales for the whole family to use and as such they were accessible, either in the bathroom itself (what a revolutionary idea!!) or tucked away on the landing.  Probably sound quite harmless right?  Well no, I got obsessed with weighing myself and I don’t mean I would weigh myself every week or every day but practically every hour I could, I even took them into my room for as long as I thought I would get away with it.
So now I am strict with myself because I have to be, I know how easy I could slip back into those bad habits and whilst I am better with food now, I can still have a wobble, so to speak.  I no longer weigh myself at set times such as once a week, nor even when the jeans start to feel a bit tight.  I simply stick to ‘every now and again’ and if I can’t remember when the last time it was when I weighed myself, then I know it’s okay to do.

So healthier eating it is and monitoring what goes in my cake hole and unlike many people who utter those immortal words of “I’m going on a diet” with “but I’m not going to stop eating chocolate/ cake/ biscuits (etc…)”, I am.  Now I realise that is a bold statement to make and I know I won’t be perfect and nor will I berate myself but the fact is, people like me, that is those who are hardly mobile and medication that makes it almost impossible to lose weight and also makes one crave sugar (not carbs but pure, unadulterated sugar) means the best way to limit chocolate and sweets etc… is to simply not have them in the first place!
It’s funny really how bad diet habits slowly sneak in to our every day diet but no more!  Yes it means making more of an effort, thinking ahead and planning, for example once I finish writing this I have to go downstairs and make my lunch for tomorrow.
I know it is doable though, just got to remain focused and determined, even to the point of telling myself that actually I don’t like those things any more.  I gave up sweets before using that technique so I am confident I can do it again!

 

Probably The Healthiest Flapjacks You Can Make!

Kate's Homemade

I told you the previous flapjack recipe was addictive…so addictive that I wanted to make some more and as usual had no bananas. I can’t say they’re my favourite fruit to indulge in, hence the flapjacks! So anyway, I had a little experiment this afternoon, as a distraction from work and produced some fat and sugar free flapjacks.

Yes guys you heard right, these flapjacks have zero fat and zero added sugar. The only sugar used is natural from the fruit.

So with a few minor adjustments to the previous post (Banana and Raisin Flapjack), I give you….Apple and Raisin Flapjacks!!

What’s the difference I hear you ask, well I shall you spill all…

Ingredients:

• 2 Apples (I used Granny Smiths because they’re delicious and sour!!)
• Lemon Juice
• 1 Tbsp Water
• 1 cup of Raisins (although I used Mixed Fruit)
• 2 cups of Porridge Oats
• 1 tsp Ground…

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Exhaustion and frustration

I have a few friends who will totally get this if they were to read it.

I am totally exhausted and managed only to moved from my bed to my sofa today which lead to frustration as I had things I wanted to do today, things for me.

Saturday I woke up in agony. Using the scale that many doctors use and other chronic pain patients, it’s was around 8 or 9 out of 10.
I took my normal daily medications which do not act as “pain killers” but work when taken regularly to dampen down the electrical signals going along the nerve pathways which in turn should reduce pain.
I got up and gingerly went downstairs, holding the hand rail tightly with my other hand against the opposite wall.
I picked up some breakfast and went back upstairs. Climbed into bed again and put my electric blanket on high.

Heat for me helps. It helps to calm my nerve endings, soothes them but there is a fine line which I have managed to cross before where they go from soothed to being over stimulated and boy do I know it!
Although the blanket did help a bit, I thought about my plans for the day and decided I should take a painkiller now as they are slow release so will take about 3 hours before I feel an effect.
My close friends already know these aren’t normal painkillers, not like taking two paracetamol for a headache. They are strong, controlled painkillers that I only take when I absolutely have to.

I went swimming with a friend, careful to not over do it and I had my sexy black socks on to give extra protection to my feet but my left foot still got annoyed!
Afterward we had got changed I suddenly had one of the most horrific types of pain I regularly experience and the only way I can explain it is like a red-hot knife repeatedly being stabbed all the way through my foot. I couldn’t even stand on it!

Later that night I took another dose to get me through the night but I seem to experience an odd side effect which is repeated waking up during the night but then ending up exhausted when it’s time to get up!

I kept waking / sleeping til 9am..but fell asleep again til around lunchtime, woke for a little while but I was just so exhausted, physically tired. I soon fell asleep again and when I woke up it was 5.30pm!
It took an hour before I was able to get up and go downstairs. Still in my pyjamas, put on my dressing gown and curled up on the sofa. Exhausted.

Today I wanted to go to church. Not lifespring but a different church because for a long long time my faith had been waiving and I haven’t said anything to anyone simply because I cannot explain it.

Today I wanted to do some gardening, nothing fancy just repotting some herbs and maybe some seeds.

Today I wanted to sit and watch the F1 but I totally missed it by being asleep!

I have achieved nothing today and it’s so frustrating and I absolutely hate days like this. I hate nerve pain and wouldn’t wish it on anyone!!

 

An open letter to Katie Hopkins

Awesome letter!!

Oxxy Moron

Dear Katie,

Earlier today it came to my attention that you had tweeted your opinions about depression – the biggest mental health issue that faces this country, bar your ignorance.

Many believe that the opinions you spout are nothing more than a cry for attention much like when a dog defecates for the attention of its owner, which ironically is a form of separation anxiety.

When I read your tweets I was not surprised that you had decided to shit on the floor in the hopes of a reaction – Something you have done many times and will probably continue to do until you fade away into obscurity.
Unfortunately this is not the Big Brother house so you cannot be voted out and we cannot turn you down as you did to Lord Alan Sugar – because, like a bad smell you return to fill the nose of society with…

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I stand quietly

Heart breaking.

Dirty, Naked & Happy

I stand quietly while you do somersaults on the bed as you aren’t being naughty, you are just trying to get your out of sync body under control.

I stand quietly by the toilet door every time you need to go, and come with you around the house, and sometimes even just across the room, because I know you can feel truly frightened when you are not near me.

I stand quietly at the supermarket checkout while everyone stares at you barking like a dog and blowing raspberries on my arms to cope with the buzzing lights.

I stand quietly while you tell the baffled shop owner that you are looking for shoes that feel hard like splintered wood because your skin can’t bear soft things.

I stand quietly when the attendant gives us scornful looks when I ask for the key to the disabled toilet because the hand dryer…

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I wish someone had intervened…

I never want a child to grow up thinking they are stupid like I did. We aren’t all academic but that’s okay! We all have our own individual strengths and channeling those are far far more important.

Living Differently

Above:  Conventional school made this creative-creature very, very miserable.

Every time I read this story, I get a bit emotional…

Gillian was only eight years old, but her future was already at risk.  Her schoolwork was a disaster, at least as far as her teachers were concerned.  She turned in assignments late, her handwriting was terrible, and she tested poorly.  Not only that, she was a disruption to the entire class, one minute fidgeting noisily, the next staring out of the window, forcing the teacher to stop the class to pull Gillian’s attention back, and the next doing something to disturb the other children around her.  Gillian wasn’t particularly concerned about any of this – she was used to being corrected by authority figures and didn’t really see herself as a difficult child – but the school was very concerned.  This came to a head when the school wrote to…

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I am lucky.

Today hasn’t been a good day for my pain levels.

At the moment there is low pressure sitting over the UK and Thursday started with a downpour of rain, I knew it was raining before I had completely woken up simply by the severe pain in my feet and legs.  I hate it when my day starts like that – waking up to that level of pain is just plain rude!

Wednesday night I took my usual dose of Gabapentin and at some point before going to sleep I took a dose of Tapentadol.  Sometimes the various combinations of medication that I have can make it extremely hard to wake up, like trying to wake up from a general anaesthetic, and this is what happened this morning – I eventually woke up at 2.30pm and even then it was only because I knew I had to get up to go to work and so I forced myself awake but it wasn’t easy.  Pain was still there and I just knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

But I am lucky.

No I’m not about to become wonder of those annoying people who hark on about “counting your blessings” (I know they mean well but when you are in such searing pain, it’s not that you have suddenly become ungrateful, it just becomes very hard to see the blessing and even then, they don’t stop the pain).  So why am I lucky?

Well today I went to work on my crutches, walking extremely slowly meaning I was 10 mins late for work but nothing was said, in fact one of the section leaders (they are like supervisors) who was on a till very near to the colleague door on to the shop floor recognised I was in agony and told me NOT to walk down to the podium as it was just too far and to go on her till and she would find me a chair, so I hobble over and wait whilst she finishes serving a customer.  The colleague who was two tills in front called over “you can have my chair Chris, I’m going soon…..and it’s got all its wheels!” – I am lucky.

My colleagues and managers may not have experienced my condition or fully understand my pain but that doesn’t stop them being caring and understanding (on the whole, there is one or two that just don’t get but I can’t worry about them.)  They make adjustments and don’t kick up a fuss.  I am lucky.

I am also lucky because I have medication – many don’t.  It might only take the edge off at times and I might currently be crippled in pain but I know of so many who cannot afford their medication and have to suffer horrific pain, day in, day out.

So all in all, I’m lucky.

 

Over thinking

My name is Christine and I’m an over thinker!

Okay so that isn’t news and I know you’ll be shocked to learn I have indeed been thinking recently.

“About what?” I hear you cry, well I’m glad you asked! (Hehe) Specifically about ‘who am I?’ And ‘what am I?’

Growing up like so many I was desperate to fit in, particularly at Church. Bethesda was made up of families who all went together and all got involved in various church activities. However, from my family only me & my brother attended church, week in, week out. I was involved with the Girls’ Brigade and my brother the Boys’ Brigade, we both attended Sunday School as well for a number of years.
Even when we left Sunday School, we continued to attend church and when it became clear my brother was more like the anti-Christ, I continued on my own but I never felt like I belonged. I would hear about parties or gatherings that had happened which I was never invited to. So I began changing my behaviour, things I said and even what I thought just so that they would like me.
I started doing it at school too. Having never been popular, I figured there must be something fundamentally wrong with my personality so I would keep changing elements of myself depending on who I was with.

Now before you all start shouting at me, I know we all do it to a certain point as well so what’s the problem? I don’t know who I am!! I have repeatedly changed or tweaked elements of me, I don’t know who I really am anymore. I don’t know what is my real personality is and what is faked.

You will be glad to know I’m finally getting to the point of this blog.
I realised the other day that I HAVE to express myself either on here, by chewing the ear of a friend or by writing poems.
I think by writing a blog entry or a poem it gets ‘stuff’ out of my head and talking to a friend helps me to make sense of what I’m thinking about and also helps put things in an order of events.
For a long time though I have been trying to stop myself because I worry too much about talking to friends too much. I convince myself they will get fed up of me going on at them and whilst this is probably true, I can still blog until my heart’s content and write more poems.
It’s time to stop denying what I need to do to keep myself sane and accept that maybe I’m more artistic than I realised!

 

A moment of clarity

I have made a lot of mistakes lately for many reasons but the last couple of days I have been thinking about it a LOT which I know is surprising for me to think about things….

I don’t want to bring up what is recent history because that isn’t really what is important.  I’m not writing this to a portion blame, other than on to myself, and in fact I probably owe someone a ‘thank you’ but unless they read this, it’s not possible.

A few months ago I got talking to someone, we got on etc… I thought more was going on than it was but actually it’s not as black and white as that.  I realised tonight many things. 1) I never fancied him – yes I know how that sounds but the truth is, I’m not like that, I don’t fancy people, never have. 2) following on from no.1, I knew there was never going to a relationship and nor did I want one, not with him anyway. 3) Too old for me – I’m not against age differences and although I do have a ‘thing’ for older guys, never for a moment did I imagine rocking up to my parents house with him in tow lol.

I thought I was attracted to him but in truth I’m not.  I was attracted to WHAT he was saying and he opened my eyes up to a few things in my own relationship.  I am attracted to a person’s personality over looks and he reminded me what was missing or what isn’t right currently.

I am hurt though and I know I deserve it.  What should have been a bit of fun ended in a disaster because I allowed my imagination to get the better of me and I kept secrets.
For those few months though I felt good about myself, the best I had felt in a long time.  I don’t mean in terms of depression but how I felt about me.  I felt attractive for the first time in a very very long time and then I found out it was built on a foundation of lies, none of it was true and none of it should have been said so now I’m back to feeling ugly.  Yes I know I sound like a hypocrite but when I didn’t mention anything or lied it was because I thought I was protecting someone I considered to be a best friend and I know I’ve ruined all that now.

 

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